Monday, July 7, 2008

The Big Ten and Beer

Cheese. Cows. Rust. Corn. Cars. Presidential Campaigns. Tires. Smash Mouth Football.

What do all these things have in common? They are the things that come to mind when we think of the Midwest. Oh and one more thing...cold winters and lots of beer.

The no-nonsense, smash mouth mentality of the blue color Midwest (or west if you ask the "Champions of the West") is reflected in its football and the way one wets his whistle. Without further a due here is a helping hand on recognizing the correlation between Big Ten teams and beverage they love so much, beer.

Ohio State - Bud Light. Mass produced, standard bearer which all compare themselves too. Not for the mature pallet. Those outside of region think that the product is watered down.

Michigan - Miller Lite. Claims to be better tasting with less calories and more sophistication (its "L-I-T-E" beer) than its rival, yet still gets beaten up by the standard bearer.

Wisconsin - Heileman's Old Style. An unassuming brew that just wants to run the ball, have a quick game and get back to State Street to party some more.

Michigan State - Coors Light. Dreams of being Michigan and Ohio State. No matter how much money they throw at it, or how many leagues they are the official sponsor of, they still can't get there.

Penn State - Rolling Rock. Hugely popular on the east coast. No one really knows why, nor does anyone outside the Poconos understand the significance of "33" or a "nittany." Pale in color and prefers plain uni's and large fraternity parties.

Iowa - Natural Light. Thinks its as good as the "big boys." This thinking is evident in the way it pays its head coach. Good cheap beer, and with the right keg cap can be pawned off as Bud Light.

Northwestern - Elsinore Beer. One program might want to give their "cat" a beer or two. May produce some victories... Funny movie, funny program. Neither care about football.

Illinois - Miller High Life. The Champaign of Beers. Alright that was a horrible pun, but this is the program that brought the Champagne of QB's into the NFL. Where is Jeff George now? I hear the Raiders still have a need.

Indiana - Guinness. A popular dry stout that gets you through the cold, dark, dirty, basketball season. Oh this is a football article? Who cares! Definitely no one in Bloomington.

Minnesota - An Empty Beer Mug Full of Tears. Why did Lou Holtz leave us! Boho..wah! MOMMY! MAKE HIM COME BACK!!

Purdue - Cask Ale. Much like a Boilermaker any one born after 1900 has NO idea what the heck you are talking about! A brew that requires a trained craftsman as well as much thought and engineering. Making a small comeback to the national scene.

"Ziggie, Zaggie, Ziggie, Zaggie, Oy, Oy, Oy!!!"

Patience SEC fans, yours is coming soon...


  1. This was flat out terrible...

  2. Jeff George went to Purdue not Illinois

  3. Jeff went to Purdue?!?! Yeah, and Iowa is good at football! moron.

  4. Mr. Anonymous,

    You are half right. Mr. George went to Purdue for one year, however I think we will all remember him for his play at Illinois not that huge year he was at Purdue.

  5. Minnesota was pretty respectable for almost all of Glen Mason's years. Granted, they've had a rough go of it the past couple of seasons. Nevertheless, they've hauled in some dynamite recruiting classes and look poised to rejoin the ranks of respectability.

    I don't think you gents know shit about the Big Ten.

  6. I can't wait to see what you do with the Mountain West! The Big 6 conferences don't really require too much effort.

  7. Seriously? Minny a empty mug of beer? How can a mug be "empty" but "full" of tears? Did you graduate college?
    Just wait till our #17 OVERALL recruiting class gets to our new on campus, outdoor stadium. It's a rebuilding process and it won't happen overnight. Give Brewster at least 3 years so he can get his own kids in there. Plus, changing the offense system takes time to develop. We did have one of the better offenses in the Big Ten last year...did you forget that? Yeah the D was horrible, but you gotta bottom out before you start heading up the charts.


  8. Go Gophers....don't care if they win or loose, I love that school.


  9. well... bud light is the #1 beer in the u.s., may not taste/look great but it gets the job done.

  10. Just like Bud Light, if you spend enough money on something (Light spends it on marketing...aOSU spends it elsewhere), you'll have success...Zing!!!

    Jeff George played one forgettable season in W. Laf. and his Mom came on the field after he was injured...that was the end of his stay in God's country.

    How IU is Guiness is beyond me-
    Flavorful, stout, robust...I don't see it.

  11. Worst article I have ever read. Gives me the notion that you know absolutely nothing about college football. Your boss should fire you for producing absolute crap!

    Go Gophers!

  12. Look at a Map: Latrobe, PA (Rolling Rock's Brewery) and the Poconos are at opposite ends of the State.

  13. If you're gonna pick a beer from PA, at least pick a good one... Yuengling should have been the choice here.

  14. personally, I thought it was hilarious. These people obviously just don't get it...

  15. Penn State is definitely Yuengling.

    Oldest American Brewery - Old Coach.

    Doesn't get much respect outside of Pennsylvania and the east coast.

  16. I think all fellow Spartans would agree with me in saying that we have no dreams of being Michigan or Ohio State. Do we dream of beating them in football one day? Absolutely, but you won't find one Spartan wishing they were a Wolverine or a hairless nut.

  17. Chicago Buckeye, Bud Light may very well be the the #1 beer in the U.S. and certainly can get the job done. Too bad we can't say the same about your Buckeyes...

  18. This is a flat out terrible article. Hardly any of your analogies make sense. You listed Michigan, OSU, and MSU as three non-descript American lite beers. These three beers are basically identical, whereas Michigan and OSU are comparable and MSU is like intramurals.

    Did you write the SEC/liquor article too? I'm guessing you did, b/c it was equally horrific and unoriginal.

    Get a real job or pick a new topic that you know something about.

  19. Indiana should be Milwaukee's Best Light.

    I agree Penn State is Yuengling

  20. FYI Rolling Rock is no longer even brewed in Latrobe. It is now brewed in Newark since like 2006 or something.

  21. Dear Lord, would you people lighten up? The article was funny. It was DESIGNED to be critical of every program. That's what comedy is all about. Jeez. . .

    And, no Minnesota is no longer anywhere NEAR the kind of program it used to be waaaaaaaay back in the day. Minny still sucks, and will suck, for a very ling time. Northwestern has 11th place in the Big10 pretty much locked up, but when it comes to 10th place, Minny is always strong contender (except when they play 4 Div-2 schools to start the season and pad their schedule which they've been doing for the past decade). Who in their right mind wants to go play in the coldest of the lower 48 states? I don't care if your recent class was rated #17 nationally (it wasn't) - you'll still suck. And you'll STILL live in Minnesota. THAT sucks. Almost as bad as living in Iowa.

  22. Bud light is king in Ohio... I love the midwest.