What We Learned Week Eleven

We here at the College Football Guys learned many things this weekend in college football. Chief among them was the odds of seeing ANOTHER Big Ten team in the BCS Championship game dropped to almost zero! The nation, including FOX executives, BCS Sponsors/Advertisers, and anyone who enjoys watching a competitive football game, rejoiced!!



This week we learned that Joe Pa can't figure out the BCS. We think he solved the puzzle on Saturday. It's real simple Joe, JUST WIN!



After John Parker Wilson scored Alabama's first touchdown Saturday, in "Death Valley," against LSU. He earned a "celebration penalty" for making the "Call me" motion with his hand. It appears that LSU idiots, er fans, once again found the cell phone number of an opposing SEC player, posted it on the Internet, and called repeatedly. That made us wonder what Tiger fans had to say to JPW, that was so important. The following are the ten most creative messages left by genius Tiger fans.

10. "Is Mike Hunt there?"
9. "Parker, Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it."
8. "John Parker Wilson? More like Sara Jessica Parker."
7. "This is Nicolas Sarkozy, and I love that Sara Palin!"
6. "Do you have Fat Albert in a can?"
5. "You wouldn't happen to have a spare roll of toilet paper would you?"
4. "Hi. This is Jeni. You remember me from this weekend right? You don't?! (sniffle) Well I went to the doctor today (sob) and he ran a bunch of tests and said I am (bawl) pregnant, and it's (weep) yours."
3. (Deep breaths) "Luke I am your father! Luke!"
2. "Why do you keep calling me! You called me! What do you want!"
1. (After one bottle of bourbon) "John Parker Wilson, you ain't nuttin' but a bunch of Tiga' Bait! We goin' beat that Tide A** on Sata'day!"

Speaking of smart people from Louisiana, did anyone else find it interesting that Brett Helms (Center for LSU), was CBS' Scholar of the Game with a whopping 3.0 GPA? Seriously? There was no other player on either the Alabama or LSU sidelines with a higher GPA?

We still haven't learned why the SEC hates USC so much. This year the Trojans show all the classic signs of an SEC team - great defense. Minus the "Fluke in Corvallis," USC has allowed opposing offenses to score ONLY 33 points! The Trojan defense ranks 1st in the nation in Passing Defense, Total Defense and Scoring Defense, allowing less than a touchdown a game (6.67)! If that doesn't scream SEC football, we will never know what does.

We learned last week that beating Michigan, in "The Big House," was no longer enough to keep Toledo Tom's job. Now we wonder if beating Tennessee, in Neyland Stadium, is going to be enough to save Wyoming Coach Joe Glenn's job? Maybe his Cowboys' performance is just expected these days in Laramie, as Coach Glenn is 3-1 verse the mighty SEC in his tenure at Wyoming.

Will someone please inform Mountaineer fans that the game of football is 60 minutes long! With Cincinnati leading 20-7 and less than 4 minutes remaining in the game, WVU turned the ball over on downs inside the Cincinnati 10 yard line. Mountaineer fans hit the exits. They didn't get far. When the Mountaineers scored 13 points in the final 1:11 of the game fans began pouring back into the stands for overtime. Remember WVU fans, "It ain't over until, the fat lady sings!"

Whoever still believes that recruiting magazines and web sites don't embellish Notre Dame's prospects and national rankings to sell subscriptions to rabid Irish fans hasn't watched a game of college football lately.

We think Wake Forest's gold uni's should have stayed back in 1956, but we will let you decide.

What We Will Learn This Weekend

I know that we missed our weekly lesson on college football this Monday so we are going to make it up to you and provide a preview of this week's action. In honor of Ball State's 6-0 record and first stop into the AP top 25, we will give you our top 10 list of things that you will learn and see this weekend in college football.

10. Clemson will further muddy the ACC water's tonight by continuing the Thursday night upset theme and defeating Wake Forest on a last second field goal.

9. Who would have thought that this weekend's Arizona and Stanford game would be a match up of the ONLY remaining Pac Ten schools that still have healthy starting QB? Oregon has used four after losing their starter before the season even began. As of today it appears that ASU's Rudy Carpenter will miss his first start in 37 games.

8. Coach Tuberville picked a convenient week to fire his offensive coordinator. Arkansas has been outscored 139 to 31 in the last three games. By taking over the offensive play calling before this weekend's home game against the Razorbacks, Tommy will look like a play calling genius!

7. The scoring will be so fast and furious at the Missouri/Oklahoma State game that there will be no need to waste time lowering the nets behind the goal posts. Next week the NCAA will collect an extra sponsor check from Allstate for the additional advertising.

6. Oklahoma will trail for the first time this year.

5. This will be one more week that Big Ten referees don't have to worry about Joe Paterno running them down to give them an earful. At least the bathrooms are closer in the press box.



4. The only malfunction this weekend in UNC's Kenan Stadium will be the Jimmy Clausen and the Notre Dame offense. No more lighting fires in the PA system, light delays, falling concrete, broken elevators, or parachutists descending on the wrong stadium.

3. Tim Tebow has been praying this week for the safety of LSU defensive end Ricky Jean-Francois.

2. In a game that will ultimately cost Ty Willingham his job, Washington will struggle with their match up against BYE.

And the number one thing we will learn this weekend...

1. The College Football Guys will officially announce that they are running for President of the United States. It's true! This link says so!

Week Seven Podcast for TCFGs

Here we are! Week seven of the college football season and another podcast for your enjoyment!

In the spirit of election day, we debate which game was more exciting this weekend, Wisconsin/Ohio State or Vandy/Auburn. Also on the show we discuss UNC's rise to prominence in the ACC, Kansas' 35 point second half comeback, Pitt's upset of USF, and a top ten list from Ball State's own David Letterman.

Included is a preview of a couple huge Big 12 games, OU/Texas and Oklahoma State/Missouri and an SEC battle between Florida and LSU.

Just click here. Press PLAY and enjoy!

Week Five for TCFGs

Time for some southern cookin' on The College Football Guys!

Listen to this week's podcast as we talk about SEC football. What is up with the Pac Ten this year? Who is this weekend's favorite to be a BCS Buster? A look ahead to Alabama/Georgia. Who's going to win this year's "Friends of Coal Bowl?"

More importantly we play our most favorite game "Real or Silicon?"

This and SO much more!

Just click here. Press play and Enjoy!

What We Learned Week Four

Here is what The College Football Guys learned in week four of college football.

Thursday night confirmed what we knew all along, long time assistants don't make good head coaches. Coach Luther Van Damn made a great assistant to Hayden Fox at Minnesota State, but imagine him with the head post of the "Screaming Eagles." Wait, you don't even have to imagine, it unveiled itself Thursday night in Boulder. Some one might want to ask Mr. Heat Miser what he was thinking when he gave good ol' boy Stewart a six year contract extension after only 2 victories...

Skip Holtz's phone stopped ringing with job offers from other schools at precisely 3:17pm EST on Saturday. The same time the final whistle blew in Raleigh. He might coach a team in purple and gold, but he doesn't have the athletes to back up gutsy calls like Les Miles does. If they'd kicked the field goal on 4th and goal from the one, instead of going for the touchdown, ECU would still be up by three, be a BCS contender and a have a busy secretary.

Wake Forest players must have bet the under as they tried SO hard to make sure their game with Florida State didn't get out of hand. We're guessing they read our blog about how entertaining 12-3 games are.

Perhaps another Heisman highlight? That kid's got hops!


Andrew Hatch, QB/LSU, learned that hits in the SEC are just a bit harder than those from Division I-AA, or even the Sun Belt for that matter. He was knocked out of Saturday night's game, at Auburn, with a concussion. He was later seen on the sideline enjoying a Snickers and convincing everyone he was batman.


Arkansas fans were right. Life with Bobby Patrino and his "high powered" offense is WAY better than life with that no good, wife cheatin' bastard Houston Nutt. It's OK. Bama fans have some sympathy since they once thought life with a real "Tide man" (Shula) was better than life with a strip club lovin' west coast wacko (Price).

Those of you not fans of the SEC, we hope you get to liken' southern cookin', cause that's awl ESPN and dem other media outlets are gonna be given' us a fine helpin' of for awhile!

No matter how long the mighty Jimmy Clausen grows his hair, he still isn't Samson. Also, is anyone else tired of people trying to legitimize Notre Dame's chances of a BCS bowl by bringing up the schedule? "Well Tim, if you look at the Irish's schedule this year, there are at least 8 games they should win..." They AREN'T going to a BCS bowl this year!

True freshman Terrelle Pryor had 10 completions this weekend, in his much anticipated college debut, however only four of them were for touchdowns. Slacker! Six completions that didn't go for a score? No wonder Ohio State fans didn't pack The Shoe and began the boo birds this weekend. "You Suck!" The future looks SO dim for those Buckeyes!

Oregon is thankful this weekend that they have their own regional TV network (OSN) so the nation didn't get the opportunity to watch Boise State earn their first road victory vs a BCS opponent live. At least their was some coverage available so we can catch the highlights.

Oh and the last thing we learned this week is that John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High" is way better than his "Take Me Home, Country Roads." Don't believe us? Just ask CU alum Chris Fowler.

My Very Educated Mother...

Ever find yourself trying to figure out whether a team is in the Mountain West or the WAC? Have a hard time remembering what programs comprise the ACC Coastal or Atlantic Divisions? We here at The College Football Guys have found a solution to your problems.

When we were children our teachers taught us a handy system to remember our planets. Remember it? Sing together with me, "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizza-Pies!" The system we learned is known as a first letter mnemonic device. A memory aid that relies on associations between easy-to-remember constructs which can be related back to the data that is to be remembered. In this case using a phrase whose first letters are associated with a list.

Since the Mountain West broke away from the WAC to form their own conference in 1999 it has been difficult for even the most diehard college football fan to distinguish the difference between the two. San Diego State is not even close to the "Mountain States" and TCU isn't near a mountain or even in the west. Go figure! Hopefully this mnemonic devices will help jog your memory.

Mountain - Mountain West
Aged - Air Force
Buffalo - BYU
Can - Colorado State
Not - New Mexico
Swim - SDSU
To - TCU
Las Vegas - UNLV
Under - Utah
Water - Wyoming

Since WAC member Boise State installed their artifical blue turf there has been constant rumors about birds making their final flight into the Smurf Turf mistaking it for a lake. With this in mind the following poem should help you remember those crazy WAC programs. (The conference of the "State" schools)

WACky - WAC
Birds - Boise State
Fly - Fresno State
Hard - Hawaii
Into - Idaho
Replica - Nevada-Reno
Lake - La Tech
Near - New Mexico State
State - San Jose State
University - Utah State

When looking at a map the divisions of the ACC makes little sense. There is no clean cut north/south, or even east/west border, rather the break up was done with vague locations, "Atlantic" and "Coastal." However these catchy phrases should help you remember the difference.

Atlantic - Atlantic
Men - Maryland
Never - NC State
Boast - Boston College
When - Wake Forest
Farts - Florida State
Converge - Clemson

Could - Coastal
Virtual - Virginia (Tech)
TECHnology - Tech
Give - Georgia (Tech)
My - Miami
Dad - Duke
Vicious - Virginia
Nausea? - North Carolina

Think of anything better? We have placed our mnemonics that didn't make the cut in the comments section. Let us know what you got, or how you remember which teams are in which conference.

Superheroes and the ACC

With the release of The Dark Knight today we wanted to take a moment to use superheroes to introduce you to the ACC. Currently the ACC stands for Almost College football Conference, however with the power and recognition of these heroes we hope that this conference becomes relevant once more.

Florida State - Superman. Once the gold standard in college football and in the hearts of all children. The use of kryptonite by their arch rival makes them blow it in the last minute. Every super hero dies eventually. Seminole fans hope that new coach will revive program as new technology revived hero.

Miami - Lex Luther. Both wear classic trademark characteristics on their heads, baldness and "the U." Successful and hated by many. Serves as Superman's arch enemy. It is rumored that his kryptonite made Superman's kicker go "wide right," even "wide left."

NC State - Planet Krypton. Much like the terrestrial sphere once Superman, or Philip Rivers, left they exploded and now cease to exist! Not even the squeaky voice of "offensive genius" Chuck Amato could elevate this program to real superhero status.

UNC - Hancock. A team so terrible and disrespected that they had to go out and find someone to right the ship. We will see if Butch Davis will be this program's Ray Embrey.

Boston College - Spiderman. Without a uniform this program, school and hero is overlooked in its own town. This smart, nerdy, small kid has proven himself with some Herculean, dare we say, "Heavenly" achievements. Hail Flutie anyone?



Duke - Invisible Woman. Have an affinity for the color blue. Just as the super hero, Duke football is invisible on a campus that has other "fantastic four" members - men's basketball, lacrosse, and women's basketball. It would take a brilliant Duke grad to truly figure out the depth of their powers. Unfortunately Cutcliffe went to 'Bama.

Wake Forest - Daredevil. Disabled by a lack of tradition, small student population and living in basketball country, yet they still found a way to win the ACC championship and a BCS bid. Just proves the old saying true, "even a blind squirrel, or superhero, finds a nut every once in a while."

Maryland - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We recognize that this is not a traditional superhero, however is Maryland really a traditional football school? New coach/movie have tried desperately to revive program. Just take a moment out of your day and think about what Ralph "The Fridge" Friedgen would look like in a turtle costume.


Virginia Tech - X-Men. Like the X-Men, "Hokie Nation" have their own professor in Frank Beamer. It is rumored he has an extra brain. A brain so powerful and telepathic that it can predict the offenses' next move. Success lies in capitalizing on the strength of their defense.

Clemson - Two Face. The fan favorite to win at the beginning of the year, but in the end they come up bad. When faced with a difficult opponent it seems they flip a coin to determine how well they are going to play.

Virginia - Ironman. Educated, rich, well dressed. What else would you expect from Jefferson's school? Spend copious dollars on equipment, coaches and facilities, but just can't get it put all together to become THE superstar.

Georgia Tech - Underdog. Not as popular as the real "Dawgs" in GA, but at least they have TV "redneck" Earl as their voice over. Paul Johnson's option offense is taking the team back to a time when they were both once relevant.




BONUS!
Army - Captain America. Rooting for them makes you feel patriotic. Extremely relevant in the 40's and 50's, now nonexistent. Out of date attacks (throwing a shield/option offense) don't work against this eras opponents. Captain America, "Where is your movie?"