What We Learned Week Fifteen

This weekend we learned that the BCS has deemed Florida and Oklahoma good enough to play in the BCS Championship Game. There was a couple other nuggets of knowledge that the College Football Guys picked up this weekend and we wish to pass them on to you.

The ACC should find a Florida high school football stadium to host their championship game in. The game's move from Jacksonville to Tampa this year produced an attendance that only a minor league baseball team would be proud of. Which is pretty handy considering they might want to consult some minor league teams for promotional ideas to attract more fans through the gates. Here are our thoughts:

10. Dollar beer.
9. Free Frank Beamer bobble head dolls to the first 8,000 fans.
8. "Michael Vick, Bring Your Dog to the Game Day."
7. Schedule an FCS program.
6. Collectible "Bowden Bowl" T-shirts from the early 2000's. Limited quantity. When there gone there gone!
5. Option to buy 2 tickets to the ACC Basketball Championship Game to the fan that wears the best Mike K. costume to the game.
4. Chance for a fan to win a $100,000 scholarship from Dr. Pepper. Wait. Scratch that. Already tried it.
3. Parachutists that land in Orlando instead of Raymond James Stadium.
2. Doug Flutie #22 Rosaries given to the first 2,222 fans.
1. Winning team splits the ACC conference's share of the $17 million BCS payout with any fan that turns in their used ticket stub.

Auburn showed the world this week how much of an attention seeking, step-brother they are to Alabama. Why would you fire a coach with 8 winning seasons, one 13-0 season, and six straight victories against your rival? The decision seems obvious. Auburn fans don't want the world to think that Arkansas has the SEC's most juvenile and obnoxious fans. It looks as though the lunacy of two programs is Mississippi's gain.

Alabama coach Nick Saban spoke of loyalty this week. Yes, you read that right! Nick Saban, "The King of Loyalty" criticized SEC football programs for being too quick to jump ship. Don't believe us? Here (at 1:35) is the video to prove it.

Nick Saban press conference 12-03-08

Rudy Carpenter taught us that getting thrown out of a girl's high school basketball game is no way to prepare for a rivalry game. However Rudy's lack of focus may have allowed Mike Stoops to take his home off the market.

Steve Sarkisian was named the next coach of the University of Washington. We will see if Husky fans find him an offensive genius when calling the plays for a team that had no player find the end zone more than four times this year.

Best use of a white out: West Virginia players and fans choice to honor Pat White with a "White Out" showed the nation what college football should be about.


Best revival of a uniform tradition: Pete Carroll's decision to bring the crimson uniforms to Pasadena for a UCLA home game. While some schools try soo hard to find the next "hot" thing (Oregon), sometimes all you have to do is reach back in the closet.


Worst new uniform of the weekend: One advantage to the new camouflage and black uniforms Army broke out this weekend is that dirt and grass stains are less obvious. The equipment managers for Army found this particularly helpful this weekend after Navy plowed the field with the Black Knights.


Go NAVY! Beat ARMY!

Southern Snore

As witnessed in Auburn's stimulating 3-2 victory over Mississippi State, the thrilling SEC conference schedule is upon us whether we like it or not. A schedule chalked full of match ups so short on offense it makes even the most die hard fan reach for the remote to find Premier League or Australian Rules Football on the telly.

It's times like these I wish they would invent a TV alarm for the sports viewer.

Wouldn't it be great if an alarm sounded on your TV during those late, ESPN prime time, SEC games? One loud enough to awaken you from your slumber and let you know an SEC offensive juggernaut just broke into the red zone and is looking to score.

Maybe the red zone is a bit premature. We all know the AMAZING defenses of the SEC might just stall the drive into a missed/botched field goal attempt. What if the alarm sounded one play before a score? This way we wouldn't miss a thing and not feel guilty dozing off during the game.

If they can place a yellow line at the first down marker, record "live" television and institute instant replay in "America's pastime" then we definitely have the technology and the capability to make this happen!

I know! I know! I hear all of ya'll in the south, yelling at your collective computers. Trumpeting what you have been brain washed to believe. That 12-6 is truly a GREAT defensive battle! For you there may be no hope. But I would wager to guess that when you were watching the Auburn/MSU game, you wished there was a better way.

Here is hoping this weekend's LSU/Auburn game is not a waste of a good night's rest and more exciting than the last two played in Auburn's Jordan-Hare Stadium. Those results were hair raising 10 to 9 and 7 to 3 matches won by Auburn.

In a world without a TV sports alarm, hope is all we have.


More Fun with Auburn/MSU

Every Day Should Be Saturday brings us this great montage of the high...we mean low-lights of last Saturday's "contest" in Starkville, MS.



It is definitely good to see that ESPN is getting every penny of entertainment value out of their $2.25 billion, 15 year deal with the SEC. Walt Disney, must be rolling in his grave. I can hear him now, "You call this crap good, clean, family fun?! You idiots! My final words were 'Let's finish Disney World,' not 'Purchase The World-Wide Leader!'"

2008 Preseason All-Jackass Team

The preseason all-everything teams are out.

ESPN released this week, its "Outside the Lines" report on Penn State's criminal issues the past couple years.

Every day there is a new report of football player's getting in trouble.

All of these issues has caused us to ask, "If we were wardens for a state prison system, or a football coach with low morals at a division III program, what is the best team we could build with 2008's suspended/dismissed players?" So that brings us to The College Football Guys', First Annual, Preseason All-Jackass Team.

Offense

QB Ryan Perrilloux - LSU. This was an obvious choice. Destined to be the athletic QB to take the helm of the defending champs only to throw it all away with academic issues, numerous accusations, giving Les no choice but to say goodbye. Dismissed and transferred to Jacksonville State

RB Brandon Ore - Virginia Tech. This star runningback's poor attitude was deemed detrimental to the team by coach Beamer. I guess he finally got tired of suspending him for just one quarter or half a game. Why not just go for it all? Dismissed from program.

RB Lance Smith - Wisconsin. Had the chance this year to compete as PJ Hill's backup and plenty of playing time. Now attending court hearings. Suspended off and on last year. Failed certain requirements of the first offender program for assaulting his girlfriend; suspended indefinitely just last week.

WR Preston Parker - FSU. Because many athletes on the Tallahassee campus enjoy cheating on tests Parker is not the only player missing early season contests. Called by many the most talented player on the Seminole roster, Parker was charged with a misdemeanor for carrying a concealed weapon and marijuana. Suspended for the team's first two games.

KR/WR Harold Howell - Minnesota. Promising 2007 recruit that played in 10 games last year, averaging 23.1 yards per kick return. Harold violated academic and team guidelines; dismissed from team.

OG Andy Christensen - Nebraska. Three game starter in '07 before season ending injury. Thought it would be OK to reach up a woman's dress at a local bar. Sexual assault charges have been filed against him. Maybe he should have taken this test The College Football Guys learned of earlier this year. Might have kept him out of trouble... Suspended indefinitely.

OT Michael Brown - Mississippi State. The Bulldogs best returning offensive lineman, starting 18 of the 19 games since being eligible, after transferring from Florida. Possible NFL prospect who was pictured on MSU's spring training, media guide. Brown and teammate Quinton Wesley were involved in an altercation that began off campus, but ended up with them firing guns in the air around the dorms. Charge and convicted of felony possession of a handgun and aggravated assault. Dismissed from team.

Defense - Where all the crazies play!

DE Michael Lemon - UGA. Played in 8 games for UGA last year as a sophomore. Planned to have a greater role with the defense this year until he punched a fellow student. Well actually punched him over 5 times, in the eye. Enough to give him a blowout fracture. All resulting from an altercation at a summer BBQ in an off campus apartment complex. Dismissed from team.

DT Justin Francis - Rutgers. Robbed a man for his cell phone in a university parking lot and then threatened student with an air pistol. "You'll shot your eye out!" Suspended indefinitely.

CB Jerrard Tarrant - Georgia Tech. Highly touted recruit out of Georgia and expected to start as a red shirt frosh this year. Charged for an on campus rape. Dismissed from team.

LB Jimmy Johns - Alabama. Though not as famous as the sandwich shop that carries the same name, Jimmy is one of many off the field issues at Alabama this off season. Arrested on 5 felony drug distribution charges and a 6th for possession when cocaine and ecstasy was found at his home. Allegedly breeding pit bulls to sell and possibly fight. This web site, www.jimmyjohnspitbulls.com is as popular now as "Bad Newz Kennels." Dismissed from team.

LB Kevin Garrett - Oregon. Penciled in as the Duck's starting weak side linebacker, Kevin was pulled over and cited for the following; failure to obey a traffic control device, making an improper right turn, driving with a suspended license, driving uninsured and failure to carry registration. Officers then found open containers of alcohol in vehicle and cited the 19 year old for minor in possession and a DUI. Suspended indefinitely for violation of team rules.

S De Andre McDaniel - Clemson. Accused of assaulting his girlfriend by throwing her down a flight of stairs and attempting to choke her with a comforter. The accuser is not backing down. Appears he too should have taken our little test. His status for August 30th's season opener against Alabama is still up in the air.

S Brett Lockett - UCLA. This article wouldn't be complete without a mention of a "Slick Rick" player. Lockett is the Bruins starting safty and has been suspended from the team for at least their Sept 1st season opener against Tennesse. Violations of team policy regarding academics.

Dishonorable Mention

S Xavier Hicks - Washington State. Pulled over by police and cited for driving on a suspended license on his way home from spending 45 days in jail. Had just concluded his sentence for stealing a debit card and putting rubbing alcohol in his roommate's contact-lens case. Suspended for the first three games of the season.

Linemen Will Barker and Dave Roberts - Virginia. Stealing beer from a gay bar over the weekend!

WR Marques Wade - Arkansas. Marques' arrest for drunk driving marked the 5th arrest by an Arkansas player this off season, however the events leading up to this arrest may have been the most entertaining. Marques sped through a parking lot, slid through a turn and nearly hit another police car. The report doesn't say what type of car he was driving, but this college football guy isn't ruling out the possibility of an orange, 1969 Dodge Charger. He will be suspended for the first two games of the season.



Did we miss anyone? Let us know. There were MANY to choose from.

The Media Circus is Here!

It is almost that time again! Time to suit it up and start practices across the country and work to get ready for Labor Day Weekend's opening games! But first coaches and players must suffer through media day.

On our podcast and on this blog we try to point out some interesting and humorous differences between the North, South and West and no where is this more evident than in how these regions treat their college football media day(s). Let us take a look at these schedules and see if you can tell the difference.

PAC TEN Media Day - Thursday, July 24th Los Angeles, CA

9:35 am - Tyrone Willingham/QB Jake Locker - Washington
9:50 am - Jim Harbaugh/C Alex Fletcher - Stanford
10:05 am - Paul Wulff/FL Brandon Gibson - Washington State
10:20 am - Jeff Tedford/C Alex Mack - California
10:35 am - Mike Stoops/QB Willie Tuitama - Arizona
10:50 am - Mike Bellotti/DB Patrick Chung - Oregon
11:05 am - Break(Oh good! I thought we were going to go straight through! These 15 minute segments are TOO much!)
11:15 am - Rick Neuheisel/DT Brigham Harwell - UCLA
11:30 am - Mike Riley/DB Brandon Hughes - Oregon State
11:45 am - Dennis Erickson/QB Rudy Carpenter - Arizona State
12:00 noon - Pete Carroll/LB Brian Cushing - USC

12:15 pm - "Sushi for lunch anyone?" I hear there is a great place in Burbank!
1:08 pm - Surf's up Brah! See you on the field in September!

BIG TEN Media Day - Thursday, July 24th, Chicago, IL

11:30 a.m. – Ron Zook (Illinois)
11:45 a.m. – Pat Fitzgerald (Northwestern)
Noon – Bret Bielema (Wisconsin)
12:15 p.m. – Joe Tiller (Purdue)

What no break?! Oh wait it's almost time to ask Jim when Ohio State is going to beat an SEC team...

12:30 p.m. – Jim Tressel (Ohio State)
12:45 p.m. – Bill Lynch (Indiana)
1:30 p.m. – Mark Dantonio (Michigan State)
1:45 p.m. – Tim Brewster (Minnesota)
2 p.m. – Joe Paterno (Penn State)
2:15 p.m. – Kirk Ferentz (Iowa)
2:30 p.m. – Rich Rodriguez (Michigan)
3 p.m. – James E. Delany (Big Ten)

3:15pm - If we hurry we might be able to catch the end of the Cubs game!

SEC Media Days July 23rd to 25th Birmingham, AL

Wednesday
1:10 - 3:10 pm - Urban Meyer, QB Tim Tebow, OT Phil Trautwein - Florida
1:10 - 3:10 pm - Sylvester Croom, QB Wesley Carroll, LB Jamar Chaney - MSU
3:10 - 5:10 pm - Les Miles, C Brett Helms, DE Tyson Jackson - LSU
3:10 - 5:10 pm - Bobby Johnson, S Reshard Langford, WR George Smith - Vandy

5:10 pm - Break until tomorrow morning. BBQ Ribs, fried mashed potatoes, fried okra (have to eat those veggies!), cornbread for dinner. Fried Twinkies for desert. Kentucky Bourbon to wash it all down.

Thursday
7:30 am - Huddle Hut for breakfast. Fried chicken and waffles, one pound bacon, pint of syrup, and 2 liters of coffee.

8:40 - 10:40 am - Mark Richt, WR M. Massaquoi, DT Jeff Owens - Georgia
8:40 - 10:40 am - Nick Saban, OL Antoine Caldwell, S Rashad Johnson - Alabama

Short recess - Use this time to take a Purell bath.

10:40 am - 12:30 pm - Phillip Fulmer, RB Arian Foster, DE Robert Ayers - Tennessee
10:40 am - 12:30 pm - Houston Nutt, DT Peria Jerry, OT Michael Oher - Ole' Miss

12:45 pm - Houston Nutt private interview with Donna Bragg of KHOG News Channel 40/29, Fayetteville, AR.

12:45 pm - BBQ pork & coleslaw sandwich, served on buttered "Texas" Toast.

1:45 pm -4:35 pm - Sleep. What else is there to do in the metropolis of Birmingham, AL?

5:30pm - 8:30pm - BBQ ribs, cornbread....rinse and repeat.

Friday
7:30 am - Waffle House breakfast. Two "Awful Waffles," Hash browns scattered, smothered, and covered.

8:40 - 10:40 am - Tommy Tuberville, C Jason Bosley, DE Sen'derrick Marks - Auburn
8:40 - 10:40 am - Rich Brooks, DE Jeremy Jarmon, WR Dicky Lyons, Jr. - Kentucky
10:40 am - 12:30 pm - Bobby Petrino, LB Elston Forte, C Jonathan Luigs - Arkansas

12:25 pm - Bobby is scheduled to end his press conference with a "Hog Call."

10:40 am - Whenever pm - Steve Spurrier, LB Jasper Brinkley, WR Kenny McKinley - South Carolina

Who are we kidding? This is the highlight of the days. What crazy thing will Spurrier say next?

BIG 12 Media Days - July 23rd-25th Kansas City.

If you think SEC Media Days are crazy, check this out!

The SEC as Liquor

Good looking women. Hot muggy summers. Southern hospitality. Sweet tea. Coke. Rebel attitude.

The south has provided all this and more to the American public. However the most important is the south's love of Spirits.

NASCAR, an entire sports industry, was built around a southern moonshiner's ability to outrun the authorities. It is the efforts of these brave men that saved America the liquid we all enjoy. Liquor is important stuff to these folks. Therefore it makes perfect sense that we compare their teams to the hooch we love so much.

Tennessee - Wild Turkey. Just as the clothes worn to the game, both can be used on your next hunting trip. No need to repack that 4X4. Just whistle for Smokey the hound, and go.

Vanderbilt - Jack Daniels Single Barrel. Not a bourbon, not an Admiral, not Ivy League, and definitely not Woodford's Reserve, but acts like it is.

Kentucky - Maker's Mark. Good solid bourbon that is content to be second best on its own campus. Enjoys a more laid back approach to life.

South Carolina - Old Crow. Mixed with sweetener makes a poor man's mint julep. Straight up it is too hard and abrasive(like a drink from a fire hydrant). The added flavor makes it more soft and subtle like the football team. Enjoys riding the coattails of the once successful.

LSU - Everclear aka Ethanol. No matter how popular and trendy they have become in recent years, when you break it all down it still just moonshine. James Carville is their biggest fan. Makes "drinking the Kool-Aid" that much easier.

Alabama - Patron. New spin on an old classic. Drinking it will make you feel like Superman and repress bad memories of the recent past. At the bottom of it all is still a big ol' worm.

Auburn - Jose Quervo Tradicional. Another case of mistaken identity. Inferior complex to 'Bama Nation. Popular in its own region, but never going to be as hip and recognizable as Patron no matter how many times in a row they beat 'em.

Florida - Grey Goose. Not the old Russian standard. This program and liquid is young, hip, good looking, and successful. "A liquor as pure and clean as the heart of Tim Tebow!"

Georgia - Smirnoff. Traditional program that is trying hard to be as young and hip as their rival. Mark Richt and Red Bull have given them wings.

Arkansas - Moonshine. Drinking it will make you crazy enough to drive your head coach right out of town. May also induce involuntary seizures that make you perform a hideous noise affectionately known as "The Hog Call."

Ol' Miss - Absolut CITRON. When paired with cranberry juice makes a fancy and pretty Cosmo for the fancy and pretty women in "The Grove." Take a taste of it on the field and you will experience how horrible it really is. Coach Nutt has no McFadden in the Oxford stable to make it taste any better.

Mississippi State - Malt Liquor. Believe they are the real thing. Drinking too much makes everything sound better with cow bells. Bottom of the barrel until late in the night or season then it’s palatable. "We need more COW BELL!"


Need to see the whole skit? Here you go.