Wednesday, July 30, 2008

2008 Preseason All-Jackass Team

The preseason all-everything teams are out.

ESPN released this week, its "Outside the Lines" report on Penn State's criminal issues the past couple years.

Every day there is a new report of football player's getting in trouble.

All of these issues has caused us to ask, "If we were wardens for a state prison system, or a football coach with low morals at a division III program, what is the best team we could build with 2008's suspended/dismissed players?" So that brings us to The College Football Guys', First Annual, Preseason All-Jackass Team.


QB Ryan Perrilloux - LSU. This was an obvious choice. Destined to be the athletic QB to take the helm of the defending champs only to throw it all away with academic issues, numerous accusations, giving Les no choice but to say goodbye. Dismissed and transferred to Jacksonville State

RB Brandon Ore - Virginia Tech. This star runningback's poor attitude was deemed detrimental to the team by coach Beamer. I guess he finally got tired of suspending him for just one quarter or half a game. Why not just go for it all? Dismissed from program.

RB Lance Smith - Wisconsin. Had the chance this year to compete as PJ Hill's backup and plenty of playing time. Now attending court hearings. Suspended off and on last year. Failed certain requirements of the first offender program for assaulting his girlfriend; suspended indefinitely just last week.

WR Preston Parker - FSU. Because many athletes on the Tallahassee campus enjoy cheating on tests Parker is not the only player missing early season contests. Called by many the most talented player on the Seminole roster, Parker was charged with a misdemeanor for carrying a concealed weapon and marijuana. Suspended for the team's first two games.

KR/WR Harold Howell - Minnesota. Promising 2007 recruit that played in 10 games last year, averaging 23.1 yards per kick return. Harold violated academic and team guidelines; dismissed from team.

OG Andy Christensen - Nebraska. Three game starter in '07 before season ending injury. Thought it would be OK to reach up a woman's dress at a local bar. Sexual assault charges have been filed against him. Maybe he should have taken this test The College Football Guys learned of earlier this year. Might have kept him out of trouble... Suspended indefinitely.

OT Michael Brown - Mississippi State. The Bulldogs best returning offensive lineman, starting 18 of the 19 games since being eligible, after transferring from Florida. Possible NFL prospect who was pictured on MSU's spring training, media guide. Brown and teammate Quinton Wesley were involved in an altercation that began off campus, but ended up with them firing guns in the air around the dorms. Charge and convicted of felony possession of a handgun and aggravated assault. Dismissed from team.

Defense - Where all the crazies play!

DE Michael Lemon - UGA. Played in 8 games for UGA last year as a sophomore. Planned to have a greater role with the defense this year until he punched a fellow student. Well actually punched him over 5 times, in the eye. Enough to give him a blowout fracture. All resulting from an altercation at a summer BBQ in an off campus apartment complex. Dismissed from team.

DT Justin Francis - Rutgers. Robbed a man for his cell phone in a university parking lot and then threatened student with an air pistol. "You'll shot your eye out!" Suspended indefinitely.

CB Jerrard Tarrant - Georgia Tech. Highly touted recruit out of Georgia and expected to start as a red shirt frosh this year. Charged for an on campus rape. Dismissed from team.

LB Jimmy Johns - Alabama. Though not as famous as the sandwich shop that carries the same name, Jimmy is one of many off the field issues at Alabama this off season. Arrested on 5 felony drug distribution charges and a 6th for possession when cocaine and ecstasy was found at his home. Allegedly breeding pit bulls to sell and possibly fight. This web site, is as popular now as "Bad Newz Kennels." Dismissed from team.

LB Kevin Garrett - Oregon. Penciled in as the Duck's starting weak side linebacker, Kevin was pulled over and cited for the following; failure to obey a traffic control device, making an improper right turn, driving with a suspended license, driving uninsured and failure to carry registration. Officers then found open containers of alcohol in vehicle and cited the 19 year old for minor in possession and a DUI. Suspended indefinitely for violation of team rules.

S De Andre McDaniel - Clemson. Accused of assaulting his girlfriend by throwing her down a flight of stairs and attempting to choke her with a comforter. The accuser is not backing down. Appears he too should have taken our little test. His status for August 30th's season opener against Alabama is still up in the air.

S Brett Lockett - UCLA. This article wouldn't be complete without a mention of a "Slick Rick" player. Lockett is the Bruins starting safty and has been suspended from the team for at least their Sept 1st season opener against Tennesse. Violations of team policy regarding academics.

Dishonorable Mention

S Xavier Hicks - Washington State. Pulled over by police and cited for driving on a suspended license on his way home from spending 45 days in jail. Had just concluded his sentence for stealing a debit card and putting rubbing alcohol in his roommate's contact-lens case. Suspended for the first three games of the season.

Linemen Will Barker and Dave Roberts - Virginia. Stealing beer from a gay bar over the weekend!

WR Marques Wade - Arkansas. Marques' arrest for drunk driving marked the 5th arrest by an Arkansas player this off season, however the events leading up to this arrest may have been the most entertaining. Marques sped through a parking lot, slid through a turn and nearly hit another police car. The report doesn't say what type of car he was driving, but this college football guy isn't ruling out the possibility of an orange, 1969 Dodge Charger. He will be suspended for the first two games of the season.

Did we miss anyone? Let us know. There were MANY to choose from.

No comments:

Post a Comment