Friday, July 25, 2008

Sharks of College Football

Just in time for Sunday's start of the Discovery Channel's Shark Week, The College Football Guys bring you the Top Sharks of College Football.

Sharks are slick, spineless, sneaky and cunning. They have little regard for manners and often leave behind a mess for a family or "school" to clean up. Misunderstood by most, they are crucial to maintaining the balance of the ocean's fragile ecosystem by weeding out weaker or injured creatures.

Like the mysterious creatures of the seas these college football coaches contain many of the same attributes. You might enjoy their success in the short term, as they chow down on weaker opponents. However, what makes you think they won't latch on to the next piece of meat that falls into the ocean leaving you, the program, school and fan, to clean up the mess? Caveat Emptor, let the buyer be aware of the following play callers.

Dennis Erickson - Denny has a history of making promises he can't keep. In just his second NCAA head coaching job at Wyoming he promised a long tenure, yet left after one season to coach Washington State. He spent a mere two seasons at WAZZU before bolting to "The U." After six seasons there he left the program with two national titles and facing 3 years probation. Erickson jumped ship again in 2006, after telling Vandal fans he was going to be around for the long term, he left again, after just one year.

Rich Rodriguez - Initially appeared to be the good guy when he told Alabama no and said he would stay and coach his alma mater for years to come. This might have been true if Michigan had figured out a way to beat a I-AA team from Boone, NC. Rich Rod left for Michigan in the middle of bowl preparations and refused to pay agreed upon buyout.

Evidently collecting keys is not part of a WVU's exit interview, so he snuck back into the office and started shredding notes on players. The balls on Rodriguez and the blades on that shredder where bigger and sharper than any shark we have ever seen.

Rick Neuheisel - With a law degree from UCLA and a member of the Arizona State and DC Bar Associations, Rick already has the necessary qualifications of a shark. "Slick Rick" slipped out of Colorado to become one of the top five paid coaches in the country at Washington leaving CU with 51 NCAA rules violations. After four years at U-DUB Neuheisel lied to the administration about interviews for the 49er's position and then had that "little" incident involving an NCAA "pool." The program STILL hasn't recovered. Maybe time away and coaching for alma mater will change his ways.

Does an alcoholic ever lose his addition? Don't think so...

Nick Saban - This shark will sneak right up on you and attack when you least expect. The "Savior" of Michigan State football, Saban used the program as a nice stepping stone to go coach an LSU team that needed some saving itself. If the story stopped here we might consider him an older, more popular Urban Meyer. However his thirst for blood and money left him with no choice but to seek out the challenge of a bigger "fish." After two years he showed his teeth again and followed the Crimson blood leaving a destroyed Dolphin's team in the wake. 'Bama fans could only say, "We done caught ourselves a big'en!"

Bobby Petrino - Where to begin? Bobby pulled the biggest sneak attack of them all! How do you leave a team in the middle of the season, with a Dear John letter? "Dear Team, I have been doing some thinking and this just isn't working out. I really think we should see other people." It's like breaking up with your girlfriend with a text message on Christmas Day! Only a great shark pulls a stunt like that.

Coaches that might be confussed as sharks:

Houston Nutt - While Arkansas fans are just plain nuts, there is usually a truth somewhere in the middle of two completely different stories. Houston, just tell us, "Did you have relations with Ms. Bragg?"

Mike Price - Vilified in the "southland" for enjoying strippers. The state that brings the world Wesley's Booby Trap was offended by Price's actions. Who is really the hypocrite here?

Mike Gundy - Much like a whale shark, his actions and words are worse than his bite. Enjoys plankton and reporters.

Steve Spurrier - Proves every year at South Carolina he is no longer harmful. He would rather be playing golf with another "Shark."

Enjoy Shark Week everyone! Soon there will be something better to watch on Saturdays!


  1. If I recall correctly, it wasn't that Price went to a strip club, it's that he was charging a ton of money on back to the school for a stripper. That's a little different.

  2. actually "slick rick" got a law degree from his alma mater hated rival law school... yeah he actually went to USC for his law degree