Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Football's Ten Commandments - Women's Edition

Gentlemen. It seems turn about is fair play!

Strolling through our email inbox the other day we ran across a response from, Cary Luhn in Asheville, NC, to our post Football's Ten Commandments, an outline for how our significant others should behave during the college football season. The following is a woman's response to that entry.

If any of you forwarded the original post to your significant others, this one might get you out of the doghouse. Ladies if your college football guy proudly printed and pasted the first "commandments" on the fridge as a daily reminder, you have every right to do the same with this response.

"Here is the female response to these "commandments".

1. We will give you control of the TV from August through December. We will limit our complaining. In return, we control the TV for the rest of the year, and can watch HGTV and Food Network anytime. You will limit your complaining.

2. We will crawl on the floor so as not to interrupt your viewing, but you will be expected to vacuum all the crumbs, dirt, and dog hairs we will naturally see upon such close examination the following morning.

3. We'll read the sports section or pretend to know what you are talking about. But, about this yelling thing? Do not talk to the players on TV, especially in first names. You don't know these people, so you are most definitely not on a first name basis with them – no matter how good or bad the play is. Besides, it calls us to seriously question your sanity, and we'd hate for you to be locked up in a mental hospital and miss the Poinsettia Bowl.

4. You can be as drunk as you want during the game and we'll oblige, but you will still be expected to help us with whatever we need on Sunday (or Friday, or Saturday) morning. How early it is depends on how drunk and obnoxious you are – the drunker, the earlier.

5. We will gladly keep a stocked fridge of Bud Light Lime and fresh vegetables and fruit for you to snack on until your heart is content.

6. First, honey, you are in the South, and we do know as much about football as you. We understand that it is more than a game. If you need help expressing your anger and frustration, we'll let you clean the house, run errands, and such. That is how we regularly work out our frustrations with our husbands, and it works, because we do not have 10 Commandments to help wives survive life with husbands.

7. Did you say gifts?

8. Well, as much as I would like to, I really can't control when babies are born. It would seem, according to your commandments, that you are only able to drink, watch TV and yell from August through bowl season. One can infer that the act that results in babies must be saved for January through April,which, according to the laws of nature, inevitably results in babies being born in Football Season. So either you (and your cohorts) give in some during football season, or you go to baby showers when I request, k?

9. Umm, if halftime is a chance for you to go check scores of other games on the internet or call your buddies to talk about the games, then it is also a chance for me to say whatever I have held in for the past hour and a half. And, this one can go both ways. Herbstriet is good looking, and I am particularly interested in what he has to say. He is, to us women, what Erin Andrews is to you men. So, shut up and I'll shut up.

10. Yes, dear, we know you are immune to it. There is a fantasy team starting every other month. The ESPN ticker image is burned on to our TV. The computer is overheating from your furious surfing to all the sports sites. We say this because we know it pushes your buttons. I'm just glad it only lasts a few months."

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