Pineapple Express hit the big screen yesterday and the wheels started turning in the minds of The College Football Guys thinking about what coaches out there might be coaching "under the influence." The coaches below show a few of the tell tale effects Maryjane has on a body.
June Jones, SMU. Talks at a single octave and at about 2 words/minute. Drug Effects - Clouded judgement, swore up and down that Colt was not a system QB and that Hawaii had a chance against Georgia. Road the "Pineapple Express" all the way to Dallas.
Ty Willingham Washington His monotone voice and serious demeanour might be mistaken for being stoned out of your mind. Drug Effects - He is EXTREMELY paranoid about reporters as he requires closed practices with high security. When listening to his press conferences you are not sure whether to laugh of be scared.
Jim Tressel, Ohio State. His Value Village style sweeter vests remind us of Donald Sutherland's character, Prof. Dave Jennings in Animal House. Drug Effects - Looks especially dazed when facing an SEC team (WILL THAT JOKE EVER END?)
Dave Wannstedt, Pitt. Drug Effects - His constant bed head and sloppy dress make it look like he is recovering from a three day binge.
Jeff Tedford, California. Obvious choice since daily he gets a contact high from the hippies outside his office. Drug Effect - players seem to lack the motivation to get to the next level.
Dan Hawkins, Colorado. Another case of suspected contact high in Boulder. Drug Effects - Can't wait to RV through the state and "meet" with fans. "Say, brotha, you got a joint? It'd be a lot cooler if you did!"
Jim Leavitt, USF. Closest college football has to its own Spicoli. Drug Effects - Hallucination causing the coach to think he is actually playing in the game, preparing by running wind sprints in pregame.
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."
Ralph Friedgen, Maryland and Mark Mangino, Kansas. What stoner/coach bit would be complete without including any mention of the munchies. Drug Effect - It is obvious these coaches have had the munchies once or twice in there lives.